Hey lady,
I really can't believe that it has been a year since you've been gone. There have been so many times that I've walked or sat or turned over in bed and thought about you and cried or smiled at a good memory. I'm not sure if there is a heaven or not, and, because of you, I'd like to think that there is a place you are now where you are sitting with a mug of coffee and talking with Aunt Morlene and Fee and Uncle Horace. One night I was wondering if you even have run into Randy; if my friend Ed had come up to you to introduce himself - remember that he's my friend that was killed when I was in the Air Force. You will see that he's a cool guy. You have always had such a big heart when it came to people. I think I must have inherited that from you.
You know the first memory I have of us is when I was a little boy - probably not old enough to attend school. We were on a small bridge out by where old Mr. Charley used to live, I think. You were fishing off of the bridge and I was throwing rocks into the river. I remember you asking me to go to the other side of the bridge and throw rocks into the water so that I can scare some of the fish over to your side and you can catch them.
Sometimes, I think of my childhood back in Elberton and how, I dunno, perfect it all seemed to be. I remember you and me and Aunt Morlene and Fee walking through the projects. You and Aunt Morlene had given me and Fee each a quarter. I remember Fee walking up to a house and asking this woman if he could buy one of her daughters with his quarter. My cousin, he was such a lover of the girls. I know how much you loved him. You know, I was never jealous of the relationship that you had with Fee. Probably because I know how much he loved you. And doesn't it seem almost perfect that I was born on the same day as your sister?
It's kind of hard to write this letter to you because I can't stop crying.
It's morning. I just got out of bed. I went out last night to be alone and ended up with some friends at this bar that I work at part-time. I went to the bar for a nightcap and ended up talking with this guy that I used to be interested in. We are friends and that's good enough for me. I've given up on finding someone. I think that I'd given up a long time ago, but really have faced it recently. Please don't be disappointed in me. I know you had a rough time accepting my homosexuality, but you accepted me without question. And I know you wanted me to find love sometime in my life. I find it funny that you taught me to have an open heart without prejudice, without judgement and with acceptance and that you taught me to treat people the way that I would like to be treated. And do you know that however beautiful I find those lessons that people out here in the real world are cold and manipulative and selfish and judgmental and, yes, very prejudice. Well, I know you know that. I always thought of you as a sharp and strong and wise woman. Some people tend to think that how I view the world is a ridiculously simple way of life. Yet, I am proud of the way you raised me. I used to think that being so open hearted and accepting of people would make finding love a little easier. How wrong have I been about that? Hahaha!!!! It's okay, though. You know I've never been one to find myself miserable with being alone. Where you have taught me to love, people have taught me to keep them at arm's length.
That is probably karma from when I did not know the real meaning of family. I know you wanted me to understand the power of family and blood. And I don't know why I resisted that one lesson. How could you and my brothers and sisters have forgiven me for turning my back on you? I wish I could explain to you how I now understand the meaning of family. I am happy that last year when I went back east to say goodbye to you that you were able to witness my understanding of the power of blood and love. I am happy that I was able to tell you how sorry I am and how much I love you.
I do want to mention that for awhile I resented you because we left Elberton for Washington, D.C. I loved my life when I was a little boy. I loved when you used to send me and Teresa and Ramona back to Elberton for the summer for a few years. I am so lucky to have been able to have the life a little boy deserves with his friends playing games and exploring the surrounding forests and climbing trees and other things most people would deem way too Disney to believe. At the same time, I also want to thank you for moving us to D.C. because that is where I found my love of art and culture and Black History.
To a young boy from the projects of a small Southern town, the big city was scary and exciting. I think it is where the seed of my introversion was born. I remember being in Elberton and having friends like Tony and Bill and Terry before moving to Washington and having barely any friends at all; where my interest in creativity had deemed me a sissy. I know how disappointed you were by the time we moved to North Carolina and we had a couple of talks about me being gay. I understand that you were just a victim of society, but I am so lucky because I know you struggled with accepting me while never questioning your love for me. I've known some guys in my life whose families threw them out of the house for being gay. I feel lucky...I feel honored to be a part of the legacy that you have given birth to. When you came to California to visit me, you accepted my boyfriend and my friends and called them your own boys. I don't know many mothers who embraced their son's life with so much heart. I know you wanted me to love my home as much as you did, but remember that I never really had a settled home. I went from Elberton, Georgia to Washington, D.C. to North Carolina all before I graduated high school. I am glad to have had such a varied childhood. As one friend said to me when I told him of the places I lived: "Wow! You have lived a full life!" and not many people have that opportunity. Thank you for that!
One thing I will regret for the rest of my life is not being able to attend your funeral. I know I should have fought hell to make it, and I hope you understand. I was able to say goodbye to you, and I am happy to have gotten that opportunity. I love you and my family so much and wish that I would not have stayed away for so long. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to experience life. I wanted to love. Isn't it funny how life works? How a man and a woman who would be wonderful parents cannot have children? How people with so much love in their hearts end up alone? How someone who will share their riches humbly ends up penniless?
It's time to go now, Mama. I miss you. I miss our talks and secrets. I miss our shopping excursions and sitting down and watching television together. I miss having coffee and tea with you. I miss so much. Tell Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Morlene, Uncle Horace, Fee and Randy I say hello and I miss them too!!
I love you so much!
your son,
Tony
I really can't believe that it has been a year since you've been gone. There have been so many times that I've walked or sat or turned over in bed and thought about you and cried or smiled at a good memory. I'm not sure if there is a heaven or not, and, because of you, I'd like to think that there is a place you are now where you are sitting with a mug of coffee and talking with Aunt Morlene and Fee and Uncle Horace. One night I was wondering if you even have run into Randy; if my friend Ed had come up to you to introduce himself - remember that he's my friend that was killed when I was in the Air Force. You will see that he's a cool guy. You have always had such a big heart when it came to people. I think I must have inherited that from you.
You know the first memory I have of us is when I was a little boy - probably not old enough to attend school. We were on a small bridge out by where old Mr. Charley used to live, I think. You were fishing off of the bridge and I was throwing rocks into the river. I remember you asking me to go to the other side of the bridge and throw rocks into the water so that I can scare some of the fish over to your side and you can catch them.
Sometimes, I think of my childhood back in Elberton and how, I dunno, perfect it all seemed to be. I remember you and me and Aunt Morlene and Fee walking through the projects. You and Aunt Morlene had given me and Fee each a quarter. I remember Fee walking up to a house and asking this woman if he could buy one of her daughters with his quarter. My cousin, he was such a lover of the girls. I know how much you loved him. You know, I was never jealous of the relationship that you had with Fee. Probably because I know how much he loved you. And doesn't it seem almost perfect that I was born on the same day as your sister?
It's kind of hard to write this letter to you because I can't stop crying.
It's morning. I just got out of bed. I went out last night to be alone and ended up with some friends at this bar that I work at part-time. I went to the bar for a nightcap and ended up talking with this guy that I used to be interested in. We are friends and that's good enough for me. I've given up on finding someone. I think that I'd given up a long time ago, but really have faced it recently. Please don't be disappointed in me. I know you had a rough time accepting my homosexuality, but you accepted me without question. And I know you wanted me to find love sometime in my life. I find it funny that you taught me to have an open heart without prejudice, without judgement and with acceptance and that you taught me to treat people the way that I would like to be treated. And do you know that however beautiful I find those lessons that people out here in the real world are cold and manipulative and selfish and judgmental and, yes, very prejudice. Well, I know you know that. I always thought of you as a sharp and strong and wise woman. Some people tend to think that how I view the world is a ridiculously simple way of life. Yet, I am proud of the way you raised me. I used to think that being so open hearted and accepting of people would make finding love a little easier. How wrong have I been about that? Hahaha!!!! It's okay, though. You know I've never been one to find myself miserable with being alone. Where you have taught me to love, people have taught me to keep them at arm's length.
That is probably karma from when I did not know the real meaning of family. I know you wanted me to understand the power of family and blood. And I don't know why I resisted that one lesson. How could you and my brothers and sisters have forgiven me for turning my back on you? I wish I could explain to you how I now understand the meaning of family. I am happy that last year when I went back east to say goodbye to you that you were able to witness my understanding of the power of blood and love. I am happy that I was able to tell you how sorry I am and how much I love you.
I do want to mention that for awhile I resented you because we left Elberton for Washington, D.C. I loved my life when I was a little boy. I loved when you used to send me and Teresa and Ramona back to Elberton for the summer for a few years. I am so lucky to have been able to have the life a little boy deserves with his friends playing games and exploring the surrounding forests and climbing trees and other things most people would deem way too Disney to believe. At the same time, I also want to thank you for moving us to D.C. because that is where I found my love of art and culture and Black History.
To a young boy from the projects of a small Southern town, the big city was scary and exciting. I think it is where the seed of my introversion was born. I remember being in Elberton and having friends like Tony and Bill and Terry before moving to Washington and having barely any friends at all; where my interest in creativity had deemed me a sissy. I know how disappointed you were by the time we moved to North Carolina and we had a couple of talks about me being gay. I understand that you were just a victim of society, but I am so lucky because I know you struggled with accepting me while never questioning your love for me. I've known some guys in my life whose families threw them out of the house for being gay. I feel lucky...I feel honored to be a part of the legacy that you have given birth to. When you came to California to visit me, you accepted my boyfriend and my friends and called them your own boys. I don't know many mothers who embraced their son's life with so much heart. I know you wanted me to love my home as much as you did, but remember that I never really had a settled home. I went from Elberton, Georgia to Washington, D.C. to North Carolina all before I graduated high school. I am glad to have had such a varied childhood. As one friend said to me when I told him of the places I lived: "Wow! You have lived a full life!" and not many people have that opportunity. Thank you for that!
One thing I will regret for the rest of my life is not being able to attend your funeral. I know I should have fought hell to make it, and I hope you understand. I was able to say goodbye to you, and I am happy to have gotten that opportunity. I love you and my family so much and wish that I would not have stayed away for so long. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to experience life. I wanted to love. Isn't it funny how life works? How a man and a woman who would be wonderful parents cannot have children? How people with so much love in their hearts end up alone? How someone who will share their riches humbly ends up penniless?
It's time to go now, Mama. I miss you. I miss our talks and secrets. I miss our shopping excursions and sitting down and watching television together. I miss having coffee and tea with you. I miss so much. Tell Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt Morlene, Uncle Horace, Fee and Randy I say hello and I miss them too!!
I love you so much!
your son,
Tony
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