Gotta Be Somebody's Blues

I'm at some standpoint right now. Looking this way and that. Looking back, wanting to be able to peek a bit forward. No details will be spread out here...most of it is still too personal and confusing. I will say that Eric and I tried something again. I don't know what it was but we ended up arguing and now the distance between us is probably so wide that no possible means of transportation will bring us back together again...even as friends. This brought to my attention the network of friends that we share and the personal ones that we don't; the friends I have pushed away and the ones that have pushed me away; the friends who will take your side or show you the truth of your actions; and the friends we have but don't really know all that well.
I thought back to my life in L.A. where it was so easy not to have a lot of friends...no one could hurt you anymore than you've already been hurt. Sure, people talked about you but it didn't matter because the ones you know who had honor and deep feelings invested in the friendship said no more behind your back than what they told you to your face. There were no airs to display. There was no drama to witness or be dragged into.
Yeah, it was so much easier to be without friends than to be with. Now I am in Seattle and I know a lot of people...people who want to be friends, people who have become friends, people you know or meet or chat with and people you've lost through time, distance, surplus, gossip or just plain growth. Its a revolving door that has my head spinning like a turntable set on 78. I find it peculiar that I'm suspicious of all things friendly now; suspicious of actions or reactions, looks and glances...the depths of casual relationships.
I'm not complaining about having friends. I think the world of those that I do have and hope to have throughout my life. Its just that knowing so many people and having so many friends and acquaintances and bar mates, etc. that never in my life have I felt this one thing that has been plaguing me lately: loneliness. And I hate feeling it...