California

Since I first heard of California, I wanted to visit and live there. The Golden State seemed so much freer and accepting and liberal and cool than my East Coast upbringing that - often enough - I have thought about running away from home and going cross country to a place that I've only heard and dreamed about. When I finally moved to Los Angeles, I felt as if I had found home. I felt as if I belonged. I no longer felt awkward, weird or even invisible. I took a deep breath and I just melded into my life as a Californian.

I had a dream. This dream included me working towards a career in film or television (i actually did not think of becoming a writer until after a college placement essay pushed me into english 101 automatically and my instructors told me that i was an excellent writer) and living in West Hollywood and I would have a dog: a German shepherd that I would name Apollo. What usually happens to our dreams? I had everyone from one of my best friends' father to my boyfriend to my boss telling me that I needed a back-up career. Most of these conversations were speeches about letting go of impossible dreams. And I listed to them.

I spent the past 20 years backing up my life and loosing focus on what I really wanted. I wanted that dream. And I did not know how to get it back in front of me. After my boyfriend and I broke up, I had to quit school and worked both a full-time job and a part-time job while I lived in the offices of the porn production company where I used to work as a secretary, writer and producer. After I found my dream apartment, I concentrated on my work in premium financing and then law. Somewhere in there I ended back up in a bad relationship and being caught between an ex-boyfriend, a hair-brained, controlling office manager and a scheming IT manager. I more or less gave my life to the law firm where I worked and let a few people talk me out of the dream I tried to re-focus on.

I escaped it all by moving to Seattle, Washington.

I wanted to move to Seattle without any expectations other than to re-build a life. However, I put so much emphasis on Seattle to help me re-build a dream...not necessarily the dream with the writer/film career and Apollo, but something new that I could work towards; something worthwhile to build. Even though I started to attend some film classes, I lost myself. I lost the passion to write. I lost the ability to focus. I lost my heart and nearly my soul. I don't blame any of this on Seattle, as I had come to love the city. I don't blame it on my many negative encounters sexually and romantically (well, it does have some part in my decision to leave). I don't blame anyone but myself. Count it up to a lot of foundations that I allowed to build towards my breaking point. And one brick in that foundation was that I had become a slob - on all accounts.

I have made some very good friends in Seattle and I loved my job working at Madison Pub (still home to me). But with everything coming down - including the state of our nation - and with a broken heart, I had knew that my thoughts over the past 3 or so years about moving back to California were going to become a reality.

After I had made the hasty decision to return to California, I had taken a friend's advice to look at myself and started to make a documentary short. I only have to film the interview section and then I will be ready to edit the project and post it online.

I've been back in California for two weeks now and I feel something regenerating inside of me. A few bursts of creativity and some calculated planning of a new life. Could it be my desperate situation? Or maybe I'm just a California boy at heart. I miss my friends in Seattle. I miss some of them not wanting to do the things I liked to do. I miss trying to be a loner again. I don't miss the guys.

All in all, I feel the conception of a dream...and I'm going to try my damnest to nurture that dream until I can give it life.