I sit inside of a Starbucks in downtown Seattle. It is my birthday. I am 49 years old.
I have been wanting to write a post for quite some time now. However, I find that I am ignorant of any good excuse to explain any attempt at composition. Therefore, I find myself ready for self-attack but find that to be all too common an action. I hope I have learned yet another lesson in a year that has - so far - taught me so much.
A few minutes ago, 'Heartbeats' by Jose Gonzales was playing. It is a song that brings so many memories, so much thought and a great deal of emotion.
I wish my mother was here. I wish I was with my family celebrating my birthday. I will not be alone today - I am to carry through a tradition I've applied to my birthdays since my original residence in Seattle: I will go to my favorite restaurant (black bottle) with some friends and then go to Madison Pub for a few drinks. I imagine that I will not spend another night here in Seattle and probably will head back to Burien, where I am now residing temporarily with a friend.
Anyway, I reflect back to my 20th birthday. My first birthday away from home. I was in tech school at Lowry Air Force Base in Denver, CO. I had mentioned to a new friend that it felt like I had been a teenager all my life. He took that as my being upset about getting older. I told him that I was not upset, just letting go and moving on. I remember being in my room in the barracks and looking out of the window. I would stare at the Denver skyline and the Rockies trying to grasp that I was an adult moving out into the world. I had plans and ideas and dreams and fantasies and so much riding on being young and passionate and wanting so much and wanting to do so much.
And, yet, part of me was still locked away somewhere deep inside - hiding, but restless. I was gay and unable to completely be myself. Maybe, in some way, I was being myself without actually shouting my sexual orientation in loud volumes. People have always seemed to accept me one way or the other. I just made it my choice to not be so straightforward until I was out of the military...even when it came to sex. I listen to stories of some of my friends and their sexual experiences growing up and how they seduced boys and friends. I did not want to have sex with my friends as I was growing up. They were my friends, and looking up them as sexual objects to be played with seems as if I were undermining our friendship and disrespecting boundaries.
Moving forward, while in Denver I heard a lot from my family through letters and phone calls. I think that at that time I felt the closest to them. I can't ask myself what happened along the way because I already know: I got so caught up in my dreams and fantasies of being in a world I found so fascinating that I nearly forgot about the people who meant so much to me. It would have been a perfect opportunity to bond even deeper with my older brother, be an older brother to my younger siblings and an uncle to my nieces and nephew. I do have the opportunity to defend myself in this realization, but I'm not going to give myself the easy way out. I have often heard that with great success comes great sacrifice. I sacrificed my family to be a part of so many worlds that are too numerous to list. And through that sacrifice, I have missed so much; and I had severed a strong tie. I am not going to sit here and regret my decision, for I know what I lost. But I do regret not taking an extra step in keeping the ties with my family stronger.
'Heartbeats' reminded me of kissing JD and Eric and in remembering the emotions I had while kissing them, I thought of the love I have for my family and in thinking of how full my heart is with love for my family I thought about my mother and her beautiful heart and how I did not realize just how wonderful a person she was. I mean, I know she was wonderful but I never realized how extraordinarily wonderful.
So, here I sit ready to enjoy a full year until I turn fifty years old and ready to enjoy life on another level when that happens. But for now, I am going to enjoy being 49 and living in Seattle and looking out at the Cascades and the Olympics.
Man, I love mountains!
I have been wanting to write a post for quite some time now. However, I find that I am ignorant of any good excuse to explain any attempt at composition. Therefore, I find myself ready for self-attack but find that to be all too common an action. I hope I have learned yet another lesson in a year that has - so far - taught me so much.
A few minutes ago, 'Heartbeats' by Jose Gonzales was playing. It is a song that brings so many memories, so much thought and a great deal of emotion.
I wish my mother was here. I wish I was with my family celebrating my birthday. I will not be alone today - I am to carry through a tradition I've applied to my birthdays since my original residence in Seattle: I will go to my favorite restaurant (black bottle) with some friends and then go to Madison Pub for a few drinks. I imagine that I will not spend another night here in Seattle and probably will head back to Burien, where I am now residing temporarily with a friend.
Anyway, I reflect back to my 20th birthday. My first birthday away from home. I was in tech school at Lowry Air Force Base in Denver, CO. I had mentioned to a new friend that it felt like I had been a teenager all my life. He took that as my being upset about getting older. I told him that I was not upset, just letting go and moving on. I remember being in my room in the barracks and looking out of the window. I would stare at the Denver skyline and the Rockies trying to grasp that I was an adult moving out into the world. I had plans and ideas and dreams and fantasies and so much riding on being young and passionate and wanting so much and wanting to do so much.
And, yet, part of me was still locked away somewhere deep inside - hiding, but restless. I was gay and unable to completely be myself. Maybe, in some way, I was being myself without actually shouting my sexual orientation in loud volumes. People have always seemed to accept me one way or the other. I just made it my choice to not be so straightforward until I was out of the military...even when it came to sex. I listen to stories of some of my friends and their sexual experiences growing up and how they seduced boys and friends. I did not want to have sex with my friends as I was growing up. They were my friends, and looking up them as sexual objects to be played with seems as if I were undermining our friendship and disrespecting boundaries.
Moving forward, while in Denver I heard a lot from my family through letters and phone calls. I think that at that time I felt the closest to them. I can't ask myself what happened along the way because I already know: I got so caught up in my dreams and fantasies of being in a world I found so fascinating that I nearly forgot about the people who meant so much to me. It would have been a perfect opportunity to bond even deeper with my older brother, be an older brother to my younger siblings and an uncle to my nieces and nephew. I do have the opportunity to defend myself in this realization, but I'm not going to give myself the easy way out. I have often heard that with great success comes great sacrifice. I sacrificed my family to be a part of so many worlds that are too numerous to list. And through that sacrifice, I have missed so much; and I had severed a strong tie. I am not going to sit here and regret my decision, for I know what I lost. But I do regret not taking an extra step in keeping the ties with my family stronger.
'Heartbeats' reminded me of kissing JD and Eric and in remembering the emotions I had while kissing them, I thought of the love I have for my family and in thinking of how full my heart is with love for my family I thought about my mother and her beautiful heart and how I did not realize just how wonderful a person she was. I mean, I know she was wonderful but I never realized how extraordinarily wonderful.
So, here I sit ready to enjoy a full year until I turn fifty years old and ready to enjoy life on another level when that happens. But for now, I am going to enjoy being 49 and living in Seattle and looking out at the Cascades and the Olympics.
Man, I love mountains!
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