Mark has decided to move back to California...San Francisco, to be exact.
The first time I had to go through this was when he decided to move from Los Angeles to San Francisco. I rented a car and drove him up. When it came time to say goodbye, I couldn't bear it. I quickly hugged him and ran to the car, holding back tears that did not fall until the next morning when I was back in L.A. A few years later, he moved up here to Seattle and I soon followed. From the start it seems as if Mark's life was moving along at a positive clip - he had friends, a decent job and an active social life. However, I guess all was not well with his life up here. Granted, I understand him and have been honest about my unhappiness living in Seattle from the start. What turns out to be a beautiful city is - not in actuality but through the eyes of two Californians - a rather cold place.
Mark and I were having lunch one day last week and I asked him if there were any thing at all possible to make him reconsider his plans to move back to California. And he answered that if the weather and the men were at all different. This got me to thinking. If I were to leave Seattle it would not be because of the weather, but, rather, because of the men. Is one reason to move back to California reason enough to make such a life-turning move? Maybe so because - as I've stated - I have not been very happy in Seattle.
The men of Seattle. Or should I narrow that down to the gay men of Seattle. They are a breed the likes of which I've never experienced before. Not during my years in Las Vegas where the show people and their minions gave such attitude that it was impossible to cavort or even have much of a social life anywhere. That helped to pave the way for my years in Los Angeles where attitude, racism, social stature, debauchery and an endless sense of self was always on parade. Granted, I left once my star was beginning to shine but that's another story.
I began to take vacations to Seattle, as the Pacific Northwest was a place I'd always dreamed of visiting. The mountains, the green, the misty rains and the love of the great outdoors were just a few of the reasons it seemed so charming and inviting. The people were really nice and I found that the guys were particularly nice. Sure, I knew I was new meat but having some kind of attention paid to you outside of horny Beverly Hills millionaires who have a serious case of jungle fever was a bit flattering. It wasn't enough reason to relocate, but the reasons were beginning to stack and mount. And, after a bit of soul searching, I took the plunge and finally moved up here. Yes, the city is beautiful; yes, my love of the outdoors was eagerly explored; yes, I made some fast friends; and, yes, I was again living in the same city as my best friend. Then, slowly but surely, the facade began to wear thin...
The gay community in Seattle thrives with energy and pride and living on Capitol Hill is something that I rather do love, as I did living in West Hollywood. The only difference is that while West Hollywood has many faults and masks, it does not seem like such a small community whereas Capitol Hill is much like a small village just outside of a small town. Things happen, people talk, emotions are bared. However, I do ask myself over and over and over how do men meet each other? That seems to be a questions that no one can really answer because when asked I'm looked at stupidly or they stumble through words. From my experience, the gay men up here seem to be offended if you find them attractive, cold towards you before names are exchanged or hands shook or they do their best to get your attention and then throw a frozen shoulder once you give them any attention at all. I've spent a few years trying to figure it all out - trying to be more outgoing and more assertive and more positive in my outlook. However, the more outgoing, assertive and positive I became the more attitude I got and shoulders turned towards me. I think I have given up. From my first encounter to my most recent breakup, I find myself feeling lonely and that is something that I've never felt in my entire life...even though I consider myself a loner and have always danced to the beat of my own drum. At least back in L.A. I knew where I stood with men. Here in Seattle, I guess its pretty much a set in stone that I'm not going to date or even get laid...unless I meet someone from out of town.
The day is fast approaching for Mark's move. I'm to go help scout out apartments with him next month. And, yes, I have thought of moving to San Francisco especially with Mark being there and my friend Patrick living in Alameda.
It will be a fresh change from all of the attitude I have encountered here in Seattle, but just how good will a move of this magnitude be for me?
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