I'm not sure where to start or even what to say at this moment. However, I'm sure that as I go along that the words will fall into place.
I started doing volunteer work for a non-profit gay organization. It's work that I love and will continue to participate in for as long as I can. Anyway, one night my crew was told that we would be getting a new person to oversee our Cyber Center and that night I met him. His name was JD. I thought nothing much of him, but welcomed him to the organization with a smile and a handshake. Over the next few months, I would see JD from time to time on our specified nights and chat a bit here and there. Over time, I found myself becoming attracted to JD but kept it to myself. My attraction would fade in time and life would move along as usual. I told myself that nothing would come of the situation so why make anything of it. Everything moved along smoothly even when I felt that somehow JD was attracted to me also. He was one of those cute geeky guys that I've always found myself attracted to. He was nice and smart as well. I liked looking at him and talking with him and that seemed to be enough for me. Until, that is, one of my crew members admitted his attraction to JD. I urged my crew member to ask JD out. Okay, I persisted. However, shyness played a good deal with my crew member and he never asked JD out. On the outset, from a strange twist of fate, JD and I found ourselves having dinner one night. At the end of the evening, JD leaned in and kissed me. And it was the sweetest kiss I had in a very long time. It felt good. I mean, really good!!
Over the next few weeks, JD and I dated. We talked to each other on the phone. We watched television together and flirted during our shifts. I would always make sure he got home safe while I walked home with a huge smile on my face. He wanted to wait to have sex, as he thought that it should just happen. And now that I think of it, he never took it upon himself to make an advance and I respected his wish even thought I'd sit with a raging erection in my jeans as we sat and talked or kissed. One Friday morning, during a conversation about being naked together, JD suddenly shut down. Later on that night, he dumped me. My head spun for months as I could not understand where his sudden change of heart had come from. For months, I replayed our relationship - specifically the night he broke up with me - over and over in my head trying to find something (anything) that would explain his sudden emotional shift. Seeing him during my shift was painful, so I took a couple of months off to gather myself.
Upon my return to the non-profit, I was stronger and felt better. Seeing JD wasn't as painful as it used to be and I returned to moving on with my life. Yet, JD was never far away. During a side volunteer project, I discovered that JD and I were to be working on the same shift. As the side project escalated and everyone was having fun, several men showed me just how attractive they thought I was. JD sat off to the side and I ate up all the attention offered to me. Sometime later that week, I invited JD out to dinner. I was going to ask him all the questions that had been swimming inside of my head for months. I needed this final face to face encounter as closure. I really dug JD. I've never met anyone like him and the mystery of our breakup needed solving.
When JD and I were finally sitting inside of a restaurant, I could not find it in myself to attack him. Rather, we just talked and caught up. It was nice to see him in an intimate atmosphere once again. I admit, I did hope that we would finally have sex but, yeah, that wasn't going to happen. There was still a spark between us. There was still an energy surrounding us. I wanted him back. And I knew to ask him would not end up in a positive light. I told myself that I would work on it. Only, I promised myself that I would not try to trick him, play any games with him or even be someone that I wasn't. I was going to get him back by just being myself. And I was. I went to San Francisco and brought him back a t-shirt. I gave him special treatment whenever he walked into the bar where I worked. I just smiled and was my regular nice self, and, soon, JD responded. Positively. He flirted back and smiled at me and touched me whenever he got the chance. I invited him to my bar's Christmas party and he accepted. We had a good time. Once the bar was open to the public, he called his friends - who liked me when I met them while we dated the first go round - and they joined us. They wanted to help me get him back as I did tell them that I was nuts about JD. However, I didn't want any help. I promised that I would not use any kind of trick to get him back. I was very attentive to him and he seemed to enjoy my company. His drunken activities told me that he was still attracted to me. When his friends asked if we were going to get back together, we both kind of shrugged. I felt bold and told JD that unless he wanted me to stop that I would continue to pursue him.
Over the next three weeks, we saw each other once or twice a week. He asked me to a social that the non-profit was hosting for the volunteers. I told him that I would take him out to a nice dinner. One night we sat in his living room and talked. We talked about our relationship and what had happened (his excuse that for breaking up with me was that he felt i was objectifying him because, basically, i had a much more freer attitude about nudity and sex than he did...but, of course, i wasn't objectifying him). Through the conversation, I felt the spark between us. I knew he felt it too by the look in his eyes and the way he touched me. I felt us getting closer to one another. I knew he had issues and I was ready to be there for him when he faced them. Then, the next time we saw each other he had changed into someone else. He seemed to be nastier. It was a side of him that I never saw before. Yet, I was willing to stay by his side. JD persisted on being really nasty (i later found out that was an act he would use to chase guys away). A couple of friends warned me to get away, and to get away fast. I knew they were right, but I did not want to give up on him. I had to hear it for myself.
JD took our conversations and twisted them into something pretty much unrecognizable. It was then that I knew he would never tell me the truth up front. It was then that I knew that I would have to let go. I still wanted to hear it from him. And, still, he would not come forth. Rather, he took everything he had, loaded it into a flame-thrower and blew me out of his life. JD had become someone I did not know; a person so ugly that it became difficult to recognize him. I let go. As a lover, as a friend, as an acquaintance. I no longer wanted anything to do with JD. I could have been his friend, I knew that, but he destroyed any connection we could have had in the future. He claims to know what his issues are, but I will bet someone a million to one that he's just as confused. If he does know what his issues are and he continues to treat people the way he does then that makes him nothing more than a sociopath. And you know what the craziest thing is? I still have feelings for him. Yes, I know how hideous that person that hides beneath his exterior is but I can't help it. However, I keep my distance. Its hard to get over him since I have to see him once a week. Yet, it is all okay. I can deal with my emotions and moving on is more of a goal than a dream.
Did I love him? I'm not sure. I fell for him pretty hard, and there are things about him that is so much more clear to me. But, there is someone I care for more than JD: myself.
I sit inside of my apartment and ponder the question: am I unlucky at love and sex? I thought of this way before JD. I never let it get in the way of anything. I think I am unlucky in that arena of life and I'm thinking that JD was just the cosmos telling me just that. Its funny, I really did see JD and I living a good long life together. Maybe that was a bit more fairy tale-ish that most people would be willing to admit but it felt so fucking real. Maybe I was just fooling myself.
And you want to know the funniest part of all of this is? JD will probably end up in a long term relationship while I just sit back growing old in front of my computer.
So, I'm going to make something of my life that doesn't include sex or love. And I know, it is going to be a good life!!
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