About Today

Okay, now that I've gotten all kinds of stuff out of my system then I guess it's time to move on.
I will get to the guts of it all: I'm scared. Relocating is always scary - believe me, I know - but this is really terrifying. Especially in today's financial climate. Everything seems hopeless, even though I know it is not. I know something will happen when I least expect it to. It is all a change. A big change.
I miss my friends back in Seattle and, I admit, I wondered if I had done the right thing. However, I'm sure that I have because I wouldn't have done it in the first place. The strange thing is that I've often repeated to myself over and over the past few years that I wished I never would have moved to Seattle. Then I think of all the wonderful people I met since moving there, and, somehow, it seems to make up for a lot.
What are my plans now? Well, first thing's first: find a job. A couple of times in my life, finding a job was easy. A few times in my life, finding a job was hard. I think I've got to to take all that I have and put everything behind my search. The thing I look for least is having to dress up for the interviews. I have a suit, but I hate wearing it. I hate putting on some kind of a face just to get someone to give me a chance to prove myself. And, man, can I ever prove myself...but that goes back to someone giving me a chance. Roland gave me a chance back at the Pub. That was a big chance. One that I appreciate and will forever stay loyal to Roland, the Pub and Mikey because of. Well, besides my love for the Pub.
Speaking of which, going in the direction of how much I love Madison Pub. I fell in love with it the first time I walked into it, which was, basically, my second day as a Seattle resident. I've spent so many years in love with that place that when I finally started to work there no one seemed surprised. I didn't seem that surprised. I think being both a customer and an employee was starting to wear a bit thin. I think a lot of things about Seattle was starting to wear thin. I gave different people different reasons for my moving back to California and each of them is valid. Working and playing at the Pub was wearing me down. The guys of Seattle wore me down. My friends wore me down (not exactly in a bad way, i was just on everyone's ticket and no one was on mine). Volunteer work was starting to wear me down. And I hated my reaction after having my heart broken. I hated it all while loving it at the same time. That was my argument for leaving Los Angeles when, in actuality, I was trying to become my own person.
What do I want now that I've moved back to California? A decent job. A decent apartment in the city. The ability to work on my writing talent and focus on my filmmaking desires. I want the life I was trying to build in Seattle only I don't want to have to play any games when I want to fuck or take someone out on a date. I want friends who like to explore restaurants and bars and new things. I want to take myself more seriously as a writer. I was getting scared of how life was at the moment: late nights out at the Pub, sleeping until the afternoon, no stability and, again, the shit I had to go through just to get laid. I want...man, if I could go back so many years and reverse one life altering decision. But that's the stuff for movies.
On a sidenote: I take full responsibility for my actions involving me and those whom I had my eye on to fuck and to date. I know there are two sides to every story.
Anyway, in the meantime, I'm looking at the Craigslist gigs section for a little extra money and I'm feeling creative again and trying to build some projects. I'm thinking of posting something on Craigslist re: friends and dating...just to check things out. Everything is starting to settle in and I'm trying to find a comfort level with that so that I can exhale and continue to step forward. Be the survivor that I know I am.
I'm at that part where I'm really missing a lot.
I know I left a lot of people back in Washington and I know if I decided to move back in a couple of years that things won't be the same. I just wanted to give myself a chance. One chance.