The Hunter Gets Captured By The Game

As a gay male growing up without any heroes, idols or positive role models, I'm sure I was one amongst millions who were guided by the often slanted view of homosexuality from the media system. It really did not help being an artistic individual when everyone - myself included - thought I was to be some limp-wristed, effeminate, sports-hating stereotype who would grow up to be unhappy with suicidal tendencies. Yes, my friends, I along with an entire generation grew up in such a time of typical cartoonish views. Let me just say that I am happy that I have outgrown such outlandish beliefs and have become somewhat proud of who I am.
You know what has always intrigued me? Those guys in movies - gay or straight - with such confidence that initially one can view it as vanity but once you get to know him you know that it is just a healthy self-esteem. I've always wanted to be like one of those guys. I think they are the coolest guys on this rock. Now, I have met some people whose self-confidence includes vanity on all counts. And that vanity comes out quicker than they realize and it is rather unappealing. After I worked on my self-esteem problems, I decided that I wanted to be the type of guy who was confident, self-assured, a tad cocky who just wanted to be honest in his pursuit of having a good time while facing this daily routine we call life.
Okay, life and Seattle would not let me have that but is that any reason for me to give up?
My heart is still healing and re-building my life back here in California is moving a bit slower than expected but I was wondering today if I should just give up and crawl back into some hole where I once felt so protected and secure? I don't want to. I want to move on. I believe that I am - even when I flash back to the recent past I feel that I should not allow myself to return to the land of the living dead.
It's easy to give up. It's easy to go back to a comfort zone that might not be all that healthy. What will one obtain by all of that? Sometimes I wish I could answer that.
Look, I will say that I do not have a lot of faith in this thing we call life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that from a negative point of view. I'm just saying it...well, let me try to illustrate so that you can understand where I'm coming from...
I think those guys who go around breaking hearts and using people and playing games will end up in long-term relationships while guys who get their hearts broken and are used and don't play games will end up with either a house full of cats or a huge porn collection. Not that that's a bad thing, I guess it's all how you look at it. I view it from a particular perspective. I wouldn't mind ending up alone or with a huge porn collection, but I want to have fun while I get there. I guess that in itself is part of the obstacles that are placed in front of us.
I'm not ready to give up even though I feel that it is easy to. I want to have some fun, but can only go about it my own way by not playing these ridiculous games that most people are attuned to enacting. And, yes, I know I'm no longer a spring chicken but I don't think I'm actually on the edge of my grave with a walking cane in one hand and my dentures in the other, ya know.
So, I will continue to move on with a healthy confidence while fighting that voice in the back of my head telling me to go back into my hole. And I will do it with the pride that I have of being glad of who I am.