If you watch One Tree Hill you know that at the end of most episodes that a character will speak about a general topic or emotion that had fit the overall theme of the episode while a cool song plays in the background and a cliffhanger is set up. I sometimes wish that life could be a little like that sometimes when we're enlightened about something and a really kick ass indie rock song can be heard as we think or while we go through the motions of this particular time in our life.
I wish this was happening to me now...while I flash back through the past year in my life as a re-Californian. The song that would probably play is the song that I'm using for the title of this entry...
A few entries back, I had admitted that I made a huge mistake in moving back to California. I said that one of the main reasons was that my heart was broken. When I got back from those few trips to Seattle, a transformation was beginning to take place. I started to believe in my art. Believing in myself was taking a little more time, but because I had started to believe in my art...the road was forming before me.
I thought that once I had found a job and set my sights on going back to school that I would kind of sink comfortably into my choice. When I did not get a job at the United Negro College Fund, I told myself that I would take whatever I could save from my unemployment benefits and return to Seattle. However, making sure rent and bills were paid and still intrigued with the shenanigans at Powerhouse ate up my money quick. I cut down on my visits to the city and that seemed to help, but a rush of friends started to come to town and that was not particularly easy on my bank account even though I budgeted like a tight wad.
Suddenly, a temp job at Kaiser Permanente came out of nowhere and I'm now employed, if only temporarily. However, I am being paid a decent amount of money and I told Patrick that - depending on my status at Kaiser - I should be moved out right after the new year. He tried to tell me that I was welcome and that I should stay with him and the kids and Neil until I finish school. I love my friend and I love his kids. But I need my own place. And while I thought of my own place, my mind would reflect to my life back in Seattle. I would think about the friends I made, the community I was a part of, the places I loved, the feelings I had for Eric and Ryan and JD, my experience with guys in Seattle and the things I experienced. Never in my life had I known so many people. Never in my life have I promised myself so much and accomplished all of them. I thought that I was never happy in Seattle when I think it was more like I never had a life of my own like I had in Seattle. First, there were my parents and the rules I had to follow. Second, there was the Air Force and the life the government told me to live. Then, there was a little period in there when I was free enough to live my own life. That is, until Scott - and I more or less let him control my life. Seattle was the first time that I was me and made my own decisions and did the things that I wanted to do and made the friends I wanted to make and I thrived and I lived. And I had so many people in my life that it was almost impossible to believe. I reflect back to the first time I marched in Seattle's Gay Pride parade and I passed a booth and the announcer not only brought to attention the entity that I was marching with and for, but he mentioned my name!
Okay, for a middle-aged man, a realization has come to me. Because of one thing or another, I know that I will never have the life I envisioned for myself when I moved down here. I know that if I went back to Seattle that I would not have the same life I had before, but maybe this one will be different for better reasons. I know that my maturity level has advanced, even by a little bit. I know the type of life I can have and build for and it seems so much better looking now. I know what to expect. I know what to look for. I know what is available and what is not. I know myself so much more better. I'm not saying that having a life here in the Bay Area will be all that bad, but, like I said, a circumstance or two has severed the life I wanted when I moved here. And, let the truth be known: the Bay Area just isn't home. For most of my life, I've searched for a place to belong. I was never comfortable with my family nor the East Coast. I thought being alive in the gay community would fill that void of not belonging...only, it made the void more noticeable. Being on the West Coast has always made me feel more comfortable and alive than I'd ever been in my life. And I have come to realize that I have a place where I know I belong. And that has made me come to a conclusion about what I have to do for myself...
Seattle - I am coming home!
I wish this was happening to me now...while I flash back through the past year in my life as a re-Californian. The song that would probably play is the song that I'm using for the title of this entry...
A few entries back, I had admitted that I made a huge mistake in moving back to California. I said that one of the main reasons was that my heart was broken. When I got back from those few trips to Seattle, a transformation was beginning to take place. I started to believe in my art. Believing in myself was taking a little more time, but because I had started to believe in my art...the road was forming before me.
I thought that once I had found a job and set my sights on going back to school that I would kind of sink comfortably into my choice. When I did not get a job at the United Negro College Fund, I told myself that I would take whatever I could save from my unemployment benefits and return to Seattle. However, making sure rent and bills were paid and still intrigued with the shenanigans at Powerhouse ate up my money quick. I cut down on my visits to the city and that seemed to help, but a rush of friends started to come to town and that was not particularly easy on my bank account even though I budgeted like a tight wad.
Suddenly, a temp job at Kaiser Permanente came out of nowhere and I'm now employed, if only temporarily. However, I am being paid a decent amount of money and I told Patrick that - depending on my status at Kaiser - I should be moved out right after the new year. He tried to tell me that I was welcome and that I should stay with him and the kids and Neil until I finish school. I love my friend and I love his kids. But I need my own place. And while I thought of my own place, my mind would reflect to my life back in Seattle. I would think about the friends I made, the community I was a part of, the places I loved, the feelings I had for Eric and Ryan and JD, my experience with guys in Seattle and the things I experienced. Never in my life had I known so many people. Never in my life have I promised myself so much and accomplished all of them. I thought that I was never happy in Seattle when I think it was more like I never had a life of my own like I had in Seattle. First, there were my parents and the rules I had to follow. Second, there was the Air Force and the life the government told me to live. Then, there was a little period in there when I was free enough to live my own life. That is, until Scott - and I more or less let him control my life. Seattle was the first time that I was me and made my own decisions and did the things that I wanted to do and made the friends I wanted to make and I thrived and I lived. And I had so many people in my life that it was almost impossible to believe. I reflect back to the first time I marched in Seattle's Gay Pride parade and I passed a booth and the announcer not only brought to attention the entity that I was marching with and for, but he mentioned my name!
Okay, for a middle-aged man, a realization has come to me. Because of one thing or another, I know that I will never have the life I envisioned for myself when I moved down here. I know that if I went back to Seattle that I would not have the same life I had before, but maybe this one will be different for better reasons. I know that my maturity level has advanced, even by a little bit. I know the type of life I can have and build for and it seems so much better looking now. I know what to expect. I know what to look for. I know what is available and what is not. I know myself so much more better. I'm not saying that having a life here in the Bay Area will be all that bad, but, like I said, a circumstance or two has severed the life I wanted when I moved here. And, let the truth be known: the Bay Area just isn't home. For most of my life, I've searched for a place to belong. I was never comfortable with my family nor the East Coast. I thought being alive in the gay community would fill that void of not belonging...only, it made the void more noticeable. Being on the West Coast has always made me feel more comfortable and alive than I'd ever been in my life. And I have come to realize that I have a place where I know I belong. And that has made me come to a conclusion about what I have to do for myself...
Seattle - I am coming home!
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