It’s Friday afternoon. I have just gotten off of work. I am sitting inside of a bar & grill in Berkeley with a pitcher of Allagash White. It’s about 80 degrees outside.
I am thinking of a dream I had a few nights ago. In the dream, I was standing on Folsom Street. Folsom Street Fair had just ended. I looked around at the last of the surveyors, knowing that I would see some of them at one of the bars later on. I thought about the recent decisions I had made in my life and from out of the sky came the song ‘Feel So Free’ by Ivy. I felt...the most satisfied I had felt in a long, long time. I spread my arms and began to sway to the melody.
I felt alive.
Alive, as in feeling invincible, happy, sated, accomplished.
It was as if everything had finally landed where it was supposed to. I had awakened feeling very much the same way I had in the dream. I need no validation of the choices I had made...not like I had to re-think choices I had made on my own in the past.
The thing about making life-changing plans is that one can go forward with a euphoric sense of growth. Me, at 48, I think I have grown enough. But, then again, maybe not as much. Contradictory. Yeah, I know. It’s just that I feel that a person never stops learning - no matter how old and wise one may seem to be.
There are old songs from my childhood coming from the speakers of the bar & grill. Maybe, just maybe, that could be a sign that my decisions are an accomplishment.
Does a person’s life actually turn out the way that they think or want it to? That appears to be a philosophical question disguised as cynical. Nope. Just general. I’ve always felt that I should take a road that zig zags through life instead of a straight and narrow (and boring) road in order to learn and to experience. And I think I have travelled that road. By no means do I think I am done. I just feel that I have an opportunity to ground myself; to plant myself and root.
My return to Seattle won’t happen for a few months. I have to save money. I have to look for work. I have to find an apartment. I want to be more careful than I was in returning to California. Really careful.
My choices are a reflection of my decision to return to California. To have a nervous breakdown. To find myself. To open myself up one last and final time.
To understand what I want and what I need and what I must learn to accept.
I have decided to stop writing fiction and concentrate on essays, blog entries and poetry. My final piece of fiction will be a novel that I have already started work on. It is the story of a man who learns to accept his life as it has been given to him. This will be the most literary of any piece of fiction I’ve ever written. It will also be the most autobiographical project I’ve ever done. The novel will consist of three inter-connected novellas of my main character’s present life in San Francisco told in second person. Sandwiched in between them will be two novels of my main character’s past life - a somewhat detailing my first and last year of living in Seattle written in first person. Working title: ‘Letters from the Sky.’
Upon my return to Seattle, the notion of sex and dating will be left here in California. If my right and left hands cannot completely satisfy me, then I must be a lost cause. If any guy figures that he would like to know me romantically or sexually, then I will let him know that we will be friends - good friends - and that will be that. I will take a trip to San Francisco once or twice a year to relieve some pressure and douse myself in debauchery...as well as see my friends. I’d like to be back to the type of person...forget it. I just want to be who I once was, in a way.
I think I have gotten out of the habit of believing my own press. Compliments are really nice and I will continue to accept any that come my way. When someone looks at me in disbelief and ask that god-awful of all awful question - ‘why don’t you have a boyfriend?’ - I will simply tell them that it is none of their business. If they press on, then I will consider the conversation over and find somewhere else to sit.
I will continue learning about filmmaking through the plans I had set in motion a few years ago. I will also dive into projects that have become pet endeavors. I will become certified with particular camcorders as well as Final Cut Pro and make myself available for any independent producer and/or director who needs a cameraman, editor or producer for any production. And I will go from there...
I will continue to polish and publish past works on Amazon Kindle including ‘Letters from the Sky’ and an essay collection: 'Chocolate-covered White Boy.’
I will cherish my friends and enjoy their company. I will cherish and enjoy my own company and the many venues I have come to love in, about and around Seattle.
I will continue to create. I love being a creative person - an artist. It is in my blood and it is my major passion.
I think that’s about it. It feels good. It feels right. I’m happy that I came back to California in order to figure all of this out. Or, at least, to admit that I’m even nuttier than anyone thought I was.
I look over and notice that the pitcher of beer I ordered is half empty...or is that half full?
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